Spring Week # 5: Definition of Success

To me the heart of this question really is about what you value and what you want to achieve in this short period of time that we are alive.  In my last post I narrowed down my values to integrity and growth.  I think to me being successful would be for me to be continuously growing and living a life of integrity.  I also think success is better measured on how we contribute to the world vs. what we achieve for ourselves.  It sounds super cheesy, but I just want to help others grow and achieve their dreams.  My own "success" always ends up feeling hollow compared to the joy I get from playing a small part in making another person's day brighter.  

One of my close friends asked me what my end goal was career wise and was surprised that I did not have a destination in mind.  I think part of that is that I am currently in a place I did not expect when I was younger and I think I am a good fit here.  I know that if I trust my gut feeling and follow what I know is the right choice for me I will end up where I am meant to be.  I also feel that always striving for the next goal makes us lose perspective and our precious time to value.  If you spend all your life chasing after something you waste a lot of time not enjoying the small things which end up being the big things.  

So in a round about way I think success for me would be an internal state vs a destination.  I would feel successful if I got to a place where I have the wisdom and perspective to savor what makes life worthwhile, not sweat the small stuff, be present and open in my relationships and contribute in a small way to making the ones around me feel cherished, herd and appreciated for who they are.   

Word Count: 331

Spring Week # 4: Core Values

The two values that are most important to me are integrity and growth.  Integrity to me is remaining true to my inner compass and to my word to others.  I have always had a very strong conscious and I instinctively know what the "right" thing to do that is aligned to my values most of the time.  Every time I have gone against my conscious the amount of guilt I have felt afterwards has not been worth it.  Growth is also important to me because I truly love learning new things each day and improving.  I feel that growth makes my life interesting and worthwhile.  

I cannot think of a major instance where my value of integrity showed up, but I can think of a bunch of small ones.  For example the other day I was venting to my friends one lunch about my boyfriend having too many T-shirts (he is a member of a subscription box club).  A few of them suggested throwing some away without him knowing since he probably would not notice anyways.  I knew I could not do it because it would 1.) involve me doing something to his property without his permission and 2.) I would have to lie to him.  Violating his rights to his property is against what I believe in and lying on top of that too him would make it worse.  

One thing I do that is outside of my value of integrity is that sometimes I lie by omission.  I will do something that I know someone would not appreciate but I just don't ever tell them.  I justify it by knowing that I would tell them if they asked, but putting myself in that situation in the first place is against my core value of integrity.  I have been working on this more this year.  I think this is especially hard for me because I HATE displeasing people. 

One instance of my value for growth showing up is when I decided to minor in German in college.  I knew it would be difficult because I have some issues with spelling and pronunciation.  I also knew going into it that it would be hard for me.  I graduated from UCLA in 2010 with an English major and a German Minor with a 3.5 GPA.  I can attest that I would have had a much higher GPA without the German.  In fact the only C in a class I have ever earned was in German 5.  One of my friends during college took only classes he knew he would get an A in.  He ended up getting into Harvard Law when he completed his undergrad and this was partially due to his very high GPA.  I always thought how boring that must of been to take only classes that are easy for you.

One thing that I do that is outside of my value of growth is give up really easily with all athletics.  I just feel like I am bad at all sports.  It does not help that when I was a kid I was the worst preforming player in several teams.  To this day I still feel defeated before I even try at anything athletic.  

Word Count: 536

Spring Week # 3: Application of Stoicism

The quote from Marcus Aurelius "Everything that happens happens as it should, and if you observe carefully, you will find this to be so," is a divisive assertion in the power of free will.  I agree with it to an extent.  I feel that acts of god our beyond our control and it is hard to justify something truely tragic as something that "happens as it should."  

In my own life I had a fairly traumatic 2015.  My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer (Glioblastoma) and past away a week later on 10/9/15 from complications after the tumor was removed.  Three days later I broke my foot and could not come back to work until January.  Both instances, my dad's brain cancer and me breaking my foot were not things happening as they "should."  However, I think what was in my control, how I dealt with both situations, was "everything happening as it should."  I made a conscious choice to make the best out of a pretty terrible situation for me personally.  

I think a more accurate quote would be “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand" by Randy Pausch.  Expecting people to take responsibility for the fact that bad things happen to us or that there is suffering in the world seems to harsh, but expecting them to deal with the harsh reality of life in the best way possible is something doable.  

Word Count: 241

Spring Week # 2: Introduction to Stoicism

Stoicism is an ancient philosophy of self reliance.  The ancient Greeks believed that a person's fate was set in stone and this took the responsibility off of a person for what happened to them.  If you read any of the plays by Sophocles, such as Oedipus Rex and Antigone, a major theme is the control of the gods over man's fate.  No matter what Oedipus did he was destined to kill his father and marry his mother.  Oedipus was not responsible for his actions because he was simply a pawn of the gods.  The stoics paid particular attention to actions/behavior.  To the Stoics you are what you do.  In a similar fashion, they valued knowledge, logic, and control over one's emotions.  

Modern society could use a dose of Stoicism in my opinion.  I am in my early 30's and I am so over people my age blaming others, especially their parents, for their current situation.  I totally understand and empathize with people that have serious trauma from their childhood, but for the average adult in their 30s their current situation tends to be a product of their own virtues.  Why do some people I know have crippling student debt and others do not?  Well beyond the question of privilege, it is a matter of choice.  Some people's parents paid for their college and they have no debt, others had to pay for their college but they made choices that either increased or decreased their debt.  I am not perfect.  I left college with debt, but less than others I know because I made some financially smart choices (e.g. choose a public university over a private one).  I feel completely responsible for my debt.  I took it out and I have control over how quickly or slowly I decide to pay it back.  

The stoic quote that spoke most to me was “no person has the power to have everything they want, but it is in their power not to want what they don’t have, and to cheerfully put to good use what they do have," by Seneca.  I think this is the challenge of happiness.  We all think that if only we had ____ we would be happy, but if we keep thinking that we will never be happy.  The key to happiness is to be grateful and content with what we do have an make the most of it.  I think this a internal battle that I will always wage against myself which is worth it for those few moments of contentment.

Word Count: 424

Spring Week 1: Making Resolutions and Keeping Them

Ironically, a lot of procrastinators are hidden perfectionist.  I struggle with perfectionism.  In a lot of ways it has served me very well.  For example I was one of 3 students from my high school accepted to UCLA and Berkeley.  In other ways it has held me back such as me being afraid not achieving goals so I never make them in the first place.  As I get older it seems my crutch of perfectionism has more negatives than positives.  

Perfectionism is the reason that most times I have made New Years resolutions I have failed.  My predictable pattern is that I will make an overly ambitious goal and do well for a while and then as soon as I encounter a set back I give up and write off the whole experience as an utter failure.  Then I feel some intense guilt for a while and am doomed to repeat the cycle :).  

This week I was listening to the Hidden Brain Podcast episode Creatures Of Habit: How Habits Shape Who We Are — And Who We Become as I was driving to work and it struck a chord with me.  I think that the main reason I failed at keeping my New Years resolutions was that I relied on my willpower and not creating small habits.  It turns out that habits are more powerful than willpower.  The people that lose weight make healthy choices not because of their amazing will power, but instead because they set themselves up for success with small changes such as not buying unhealthy food.  

One of the resolutions I was able to keep for a long time was going to the gym after work at least 3 times a week.  It turns out that the reason I was able to keep it was I joined a gym that was on my way home.  Later, when I moved to an area with gyms that were always out of the way, I broke this resolution.  

My current resolution is to eat healthier and exercise after work.  I have an exercise bike at home that I just moved into the living room in front of the TV.  The last few nights I have made myself go on the bike for 45 minutes while I play Red Dead Redemption II poorly.  On a side note, the amount of times I have shot someone unintentionally is pretty comical at this point.  

As for eating healthy I think a major problem is that fast food is so quick and easy.  After a long day the last thing I want to do is cook dinner and then clean up after cooking dinner.  So my plan is to make dinner simpler.  I can easily cook a simple meal that is healthy.  I do not need to make dinner an overly complicated thing every night.  

Word Count: 473

Week 16: Being in Character

Summer BCE 40,000

Oh great Cave Lion why did you choose me as someone under your protection?  Why did I have to be born of the Others and why did you have the Clan raise me then curse me?  I know I have faced every challenge you have set before me, but I do not know how much more I can take.  I am now out in the wilderness without my only child, Durc, to be raised without me.  

I am finding it hard to trust in you right now though I know you have never steered me wrong.  I have not always known your reasons for testing me, but every time I have come out on the other end with blessings to spare.

Being on my own out in the wilderness is something new to me.  I would take long hunts back when I was near the cave, but I always had Creb's hearth to come home to.  Now I have no hearth, no cave, and no people.  

Yesterday I crossed a river with all my possessions floating on a log.  It would have been so easy to just stop kicking and let the river take me and my possessions away.  It was so hard to cross, but I did it even though it took every bit of energy I have.  I have no idea what I am supposed to do next.  I have no where to go and each day is new and mysterious.  I just have to have faith that you my totem will not leave me and guide me where I am supposed to go.  

Word Count: 269

Week # 15: Giving Thanks

The older I get the more I realize I am turning into my mother and the more I am actually okay with it!  My mom, Lynne, is by no means perfect, but she is a very kind, warm, creative and fiercely independent woman.  Most importantly my mom has always loved me with 110% of her heart.  I have never for a second doubted that I am loved or cared for, which I know is something I am extremely grateful for.

My mom is a bit eccentric.  After my parents divorced when I was 9 we moved into a much smaller house in the rougher part of Menifee.  She poured herself into turning our tiny 2 bedroom house with a large overgrown backyard into a home.  My mom taught me that what makes a house a home or really what makes anything worthwhile is hard work, creativity, and passion. 

Our backyard turned from a bunch of weeds, glass, gravel, and an abandoned washing machine into a whimsical wonderland full of fun cement creatures and creations.  I always felt proud of our house.  It was not the biggest, or the best, but we (my mom and I) made it our own.  I am not afraid to try new things directly because of my mom and the freedom she gave me.  When I was 16 and wanted to redo my room she let me do whatever I wanted, including learning how to cut and install tile. 

When I was 11 and missed having a pool, my mom found a used above ground pool.  She bought the supplies and the pump, but I had to level the ground.  I learned how to use a line a water to level and the amount of work I did to install and maintain our small above ground pool made me feel even more accomplished. 

I am so grateful that my mom lives close by, and even though she is not in the best of health (she is 71 and smokes about 2 packs a day) I am able to spend time with her at least once a week. 

Word Count: 351